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Finding one's self
an essay by Thaneeya McArdle
I always
thought
I had a normal upbringing, until I realized there was no such
thing as "normal". After a typical suburban American
childhood of roller-skating, pizza parties and the Disney Channel,
I slid into adolescence doing all the usual teenage things:
experimenting with make-up, shopping at the mall, and poring
over the slew of magazines aimed at young women that claim to
hold the secrets of becoming popular and attracting boys. As
my youthful consciousness began to glimpse the possibilities
of life beyond the hypercritical halls of high school, I quickly
became disillusioned with what the dictates of mainstream society
seemed to expect of young women (and young people in general).
Why should I shop at a certain store, be friends with certain
people, or follow a predetermined path in life? |
As I became
more introspective and began to search for answers to these
questions within myself, I found myself spending more time in
the art room at school, quietly releasing my hopes and frustrations
into the paints and pencils at my fingertips. Part of the "release"
for me in being creative was in the letting go of the enormous
cloud of expectations about how one "should" or "should
not" live their life. There are as many ways to live a
life as there are stars in the sky and drops of water in the
ocean. Everyone is unique and must find their own path to a
life of happiness and meaning. I suppose that I'm lucky that
I fell into art at such a young and formative age, because it's
been an indispensable tool in deepening self-awareness. |
| I
feel it’s important to pursue those things in life that
open us up, that make us feel wonder. When every day promises
a new journey and we are a slightly different person by the end
of it, then we know we are on the right path. I find a lot of
meaning in sitting quietly alone with a paper and pen or a canvas
and paints. It allows me plenty of time and freedom to explore
the contents of my mind, as well as provides a healthy platform
for interpreting my life experiences (both inner and outer). Working
on art gives me plenty of time to sit with my thoughts and watch
them come and go with the passing of each moment. But what is
especially rewarding about making art is that it allows me to
safely share intimate aspects of myself with others, while hopefully
conjuring a valuable internal dialogue between the artwork and
the viewer. The quiet beauty of it is that more often than not,
I will never be privy to the full effect my art has on others.
Thus, the art takes on a life of its own; weaving its own path
through the universe long after the last brushstroke has touched
the canvas. |
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My
process of art-making is typically a solipsistic experience
rooted in wrestling with the unknown to create something tangible.
I work with possibilities instead of absolutes, and seek to
create connections between seemingly disparate objects, entities,
or notions. One of the greatest inspirations for my art has
been deliberate immersion in the unfamiliar, in the form of
travel. You could say it started as an infant when my parents
whisked me off to Saudi Arabia at 6 weeks old, but it became
a conscious choice at age 19, when I traveled to India, Sri
Lanka, and Nepal, doing volunteer work and home stays with village
families. Everything about Asia was so overwhelmingly different
– the colors, the language, the smells, the outlook, the
overall tempo of life. Perhaps it sounds odd, but what struck
me the most was the complete and total reality of it. When you’re
sitting comfortably at home, you can dream of a place and what
it must be like, imagining yourself in this fictitious setting,
bustling with positive energy and marveling at the expected
cultural differences. But when you actually go there and attempt
to live your delicate bubble of a dream, you may find that the
most important (and often surprising!) thing that you really
encounter is yourself. Traveling reveals to you aspects of yourself,
your life, your upbringing, assumptions, habits, socializations
– things you never truly realized were there. Such experiences
are invaluable in helping one gain a more holistic perspective
on who they are in relation to the world. It can be challenging,
but placing oneself in unfamiliar territory inevitably chips
away at one’s attachment to how things “should be”,
while developing the humble wisdom that there is always more
in life to know, more to experience, and more room to grow. |
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My two favorite activities, art and travel,
are a conscious endeavor to realize that I am part of a greater
(if often unseen and unrecognized) whole. We can’t even
begin to fathom the hidden connections that bind us to each
other - to our neighbors, strangers, all living beings, the
planet and beyond. Both art and travel can show us new ways
of looking at things. We can’t pretend that we know everything
about the way life works or what it has to offer us; the world
abounds with possibilities. Each day is only the beginning in
a long line of never-ending beginnings, if we can only see with
fresh eyes and venture forth with pure hearts.
The
path to self-discovery is never an easy one, but the rewards
are immeasurable. In a society that fills our heads with images
and expectations of what we should become, what we should value,
and how we should spend our time, it requires enormous strength
and resilience of character to turn the gaze inward on a continual
basis, to tune into the unique melody that resonates deep within
us and has the potential to guide us to our own true happiness
and calling. |
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